A Hoardistry Reckoning
Moving, I've discovered, is less a change of address and more of an archaeological dig through the ruins of your own questionable life choices. It begins innocently enough with a few boxes (okay, a lot of boxes), packing tape, and a bold declaration—“This will be easy-peasy.” That, my friend, is the first lie. The second lie: “We don’t have that much stuff.”
By hour two, I realized I'm not a person who owns things. I am a curator of artifacts in a museum called The National Hoardistry of Questionable Necessities. Every drawer opened is an exhibit: “Ah yes, the 2009 Charging Cable Era—note how none of these fit any device currently in existence. Yet, I still possess them.” Or "Hmmm, I own nine spatulas and not one is like the other."
Packing becomes a philosophical exercise. You pick up an object and ask, “Do I need this?” In an instant, your brain replies, "Yes … because if society collapses, this single bent whisk and the Windows 3.1 computer I found might be the only keys to survival.” Into the box they go. The mid-1990 phones? Not clutter. I'm waiting for the Telecommunication Museum to send me an exhibition placard.
Then come the treasures. A long-lost photograph, a few dusty unlabeled VHS tape from the late 1980's, a child’s drawing labeled “Mommy” that looks suspiciously like a potato with hair, and a roughly handmade, non-labeled orange clay fish with blue eyes. In a micro-second you're sitting on the floor, crying like you've just watched the end of a sad movie, except the movie is your own life and the popcorn is a stale bag of Cheetos found in the back of a cabinet.
Of course, not all discoveries are heartwarming. Some are unsettling. Who kept this mystery Tupperware container, and more importantly, what is inside? You consider opening it, then decide some things are better left sealed for future civilizations to study. It gets tossed.
Let’s talk loading trucks: This is an Olympic sport in its own right, featuring “Box Tetris: Advanced Level” and “Recliner Wrestling: Heavyweight Division.” Here's the thing: somehow everything I packed with confidence now looks suspiciously unnecessary.
In the end, what was supposed to be easy-peasy turned into a full-blown hoardistry reckoning. Bags upon bags were tossed, sacrificed, and sent to dumpster heaven. I waved goodbye to items I once swore I could never live without, only to realize—I can. I absolutely can.
Though maybe … just maybe … I'll keep the bent whisk. You know. Just in case.
Blessings,
Linda
“Apparently, archaeological digs start at home.” ~~LM









